GOD TALK XX: AN EXCERPT FROM "I'M PERFECT, YOU'RE DOOMED"

About a week before the start of each elementary school year, my mother would schedule a one-on-one introductory meeting with my new teachers, for which we'd go to JCPenny to purchase gifts. For example, in the sixth grade, Mrs. Cheverie received a pink faux-snakeskin snap-front lipstick case, while Mr. McGibbons, the wacky math and history teacher who wore red bow ties and green plaid pants, got a set of multicoloured handkerchiefs.

With our gift-wrapped altruism in tow, we made our way through the empty hallways of Nathanael Greene Elementary to find the only classroom with lights on. We sat in small pastel chairs in front of a desk filled with various paperweights proclaiming this teacher to be the "World's Best." While I stared down a smiling, myopic worm extruding from a wooden apple, Mom informed Mrs. Cheverie that she was blessed to have an eager and intelligent Jehovah's Witness in her class this year.

On cue, I held up a handful of magazines with pictures of reverent Jehovah's Witness kids on the cover. They had headlines like Should True Christians Salute the Flag? or Halloween: Is it for True Christians? or How Should True Christians Feel about Christmas?

Ms. Cheverie smiled and blinked. She was clearly not responding well to my exceedingly special needs.

"I'm Christian too," she said. "I would never have the children do something that is inappropriate."

My mother explained that we were not just Christian, we were Jehovah's Witnesses. So I would not celebrate birthdays, create any holiday-themed art projects, salute the flag, or participate in any extracurricular activities such as cheerleading. Unlike all the other other students in the school, i was special.

In short, the rest of my class was going to die at Armageddon. I was going to live forever, as long as I refrained from singing the national anthem or drawing a turkey from the outline of my hand. As such, the teachers would need to create a separate curriculum entirely for me. It was very nice to meet them and would they please accept this faux-snakeskin lipstick case in exchange for their trouble?

We thanked our teachers sincerely for their time, pretended they weren't scowling at us, bowed our heads in prayer, and left a stack of Watchtowers on their table.


---Kyria Abrahams
I'm Perfect, You're Doomed: Tales from a Jehovah's Witness Upbringing
Simon & Schuster, (c) 2009