AN OPEN LETTER TO TH’ ANGRY APPEALS LADY

To the individual (you know who you are!!) who lives somewhere in the Eastern Time Zone who called me up the other day and went on and on and ON at me for 20 minutes about a denied appeal. In this call you said you were going to call all the media and tell everyone what a fraud our company is. You repeatedly asked for contact information you could give to ABC, NBC, CBS, NCIS and 911 because you were so pissed that the appeal for your claim wasn’t overturned. You were pissed at ME and the supervisor I transferred you to because we, as lowly peons, couldn’t reverse the decision made by a whole board of people and send you money (interestingly enough I noticed that you didn’t cancel your policy, so I expect we’ll ehar from you next month when we bill you for $120 again, but that’s a story for a different hour).

At first you made me angry. Being yelled at ALWAYS puts me on edge, period. Secondly, threatening to call the networks on us isn’t really a big threat, though I suppose it makes you feel good. At first, I wanted to beat you with a rolling pin and then I got to thinking about the situation. I decided there were three different scenarios for how this could go, in order from most to least likely. Since the day was slow, I made flow charts.

MOST LIKELY OUTCOME:

LESS LIKELY OUTCOME:

NOT-AT-ALL-BLOODY-LIKEKLY OUTCOME, BUT SOMETIMES THINGS LIKE THIS DO HAPPEN:

So! In the end I concluded that if you DID make it your Life’s Work to shut us down and crusade for the media to paint us as dangerous money grubbers, the final outcome to that can only BENEFIT both ME and YOU: you because you’ll get money and attention and ME because less people will call to bitch and moan at me. So, we both would win. Therefore, Ms. Angry Appeals Lady, I wish you luck. Mind, I’ve seen the written correspondence from our financial and legal department over this sort of thing before (you’re hardly the first to wanna sic the networks on us) and I can tell you you’re better off with your vodka slings and just letting it drop, but I do want you to know that I wish you luck.

And I’m sure I’ll be hearing again from you soon when you get the next bill for your premium… and so will ABC, NBC, CBS, NCIS, 911 and the ASPCA right after that as well.